The Basement Vapes, Volume 21: ‘Til We Outnumber ‘Em—The Birkenstock-Rock Revolution

One if by land, two if by sea—MAGNET’s Mitch Myers says let’s blow yacht rock out of the water!

That’s it. I’m hereby calling for mutiny and urge that we band together to push back against the growing yacht-rock phenomenon. I objected when I first heard the term and have grown even more opposed to the concept since then. My real regret is that I waited so long to speak out, and now it just may be too late. There’s been a yacht-rock channel on SiriusXM for nearly a decade, but the new HBO “dockumentary” has made this contrived faux-genre all too real.

Newer and older yacht-rock performers have become emboldened and are now plowing full steam ahead, booking summer tours and other inevitable concert revivals. My conclusion is that if you’re being told that it’s yacht rock, then it’s probably not rock, and it has to stop. This is a sad looming symbol of yet another cultural divide, and we must endeavor to turn back the tide. Of course, you can’t expect to cancel anything without leaving a void in the great American psyche. What we really need to do is replace it with something a little more down to earth.

So, people: Are you ready to join in the Birkenstock-rock revolution? We’ve got more feet on the ground than yacht rockers have hands on deck, and we will ultimately outnumber them. No worries about confrontation—Birkenstock rockers aren’t uptight like those captain’s cap/ascot-wearing types demanding precision in the recording studio or whatever it is. We just hang loose and are still more grounded than our yacht-rock rivals, who are basically all wet.

This past year actually saw the 250th anniversary of the Birkenstock shoe brand, and with that kind of momentum, we should be able to supplant a manufactured music scenario that peaked somewhere between 1978 and 1982. Listen, I like Skunk Baxter as much as the next guy, but it’s time we let our feet take us back to where we once belonged and head toward dry land.

Of course, Birkenstock rock is more than just music—it’s a lifestyle—and corporate re-branding is most certainly in the offing. I understand a few industry insiders have already been calling it Birkenrock, and that may turn out to be a good thing, because we don’t want any lawsuits regarding copyright infringement. We’re not being proprietary about it, but if we do get a Birkenrock channel on SiriusXM, we want to get paid.

Yes, yacht rock’s crunchy counterculture cousin has come marching home, and we’re ready to take a stand. If we can just settle this branding issue, we should be able to make Birkenstock rock a thing in no time. We’re more inclusive than our yacht-rock counterparts, and that means we can get behind all kinds of music from the last six or seven decades and still maintain a strong sense of identity and tribal belonging.

In effort to remain fully informed, MAGNET solicited more than 50 civilians to report what their top Birkenstock-rock tunes might be. Some of the people we asked didn’t “get it” and needed more information or were completely unable to wrap their heads around the idea. We suspect that these inflexible individuals identify as yacht-rock sympathizers, but no matter.

Those who did respond to our poll were apparently hippies at heart. We’re not getting into the details, but rest assured, answers included artists like Phish, the Grateful Dead, Neil Young, James Taylor, Janis Joplin, War, Nick Cave, the Yardbirds, the Allman Brothers Band, Bob Dylan, Buddy Miles, Lou Reed, Jefferson Airplane, Blackberry Smoke, the Doors, Big Star, Blues Traveler, Spirit, the Clash, Joni Mitchell, Traffic, Todd Snider, Van Morrison, the Lovin’ Spoonful, NRBQ, Tom Petty, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sly & The Family Stone, Bonnie Raitt, the Band, Bob Marley, Warren Zevon, Little Feat … You get the idea.

Far from being mutually exclusive, Birkenstock rock is so inclusive that it subsumes yacht rock, which allows for some Doobie Brothers (and others) to pop up on your extended Birkenstock-rock playlist. No harm, no foul, but no longer will those yacht-rock warlords be manning the helm. We’ve given them wide berth long enough, and their whole concept is dead in the water.

So then, Birkenstock rock is a state of mind for the masses—are you ready? Remember, if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. Even this.